A matter of choice

I could no longer remember when choices started to become matters of deep reflection, at what age life decisions started to become substantial, and when most things can no longer be settled by a simple hello and goodbye. Growing up, there is something with decision-making that has made it a thousand times more difficult than it already is. Perhaps there was a time during our childhood when we thought making choices was easy. Yet as we continue to mature, our respective realities and perspectives suddenly shift, and our personal risks become bigger and bigger. And before we know it, we are faced with crossroads of make-or-break decisions.

Back when I was little, making choices was as easy as picking crayons and Happy Meal toys, selecting a starter Pokemon, or switching between cartoon channels. I bet a lot of people would share the same sentiments too, about how life was tremendously easier back when we were younger. I can even remember vividly how every time my teachers in prep and in grade school would ask us to write about what we wanted to be when we grow up, I always had a programmed answer in my head. I would always write that I want to become either a doctor or a lawyer, as if life was as easy as that. And back then, I could write a couple of long sentences about why I thought such career paths suited my personality, along with clear mental snapshots of how I want to see my future self.

Looking back, I admire my six-year-old self for having more structured and clear-cut life choices and plans for my future than what I currently have. Now that the childhood thought of “what do you want to be when you grow up?” boils down to what you plan to do after college, you can ask me to write down my plans once again. But this time around, unlike the time when I was six, I have no programmed answer. Heck, I am not even sure if I can give a straightforward response.

My mental snapshots of what I want for my future are just blurred and pixelated images of things that I can’t decipher. Now, this is when the reality of growing up bites back. Here comes the realization that all those childhood aspirations are, in fact, easier said than done. As we grow and mature as individuals, that “future” that we once dreamt about during pre-school or grade school becomes closer and closer. Choosing what we want to become and choosing what we want to make of ourselves present themselves as difficult life decisions that we all have to make. And then again, life is no longer as simple as it was back when we were primary school children.

When I first entered La Salle as a frosh, I thought that three or four years was a long and adequate time to mold myself into what my future has in store for me. I selected a course from DLSU’s long list of undergraduate programs, hoping that such choice would be definitive of a vibrant future for me. As La Salle puts it, “The future begins here.” Right? However, midway through my stay in the University, I started to question what future I was referring to when I selected a degree program and chose to pursue a certain field of study. What future was in store for me for making a certain choice? Or better yet, what opportunity costs did I forego in making this decision? Like how could the 16 year-old high school senior that I was, when filling out college application forms, possibly know what she wanted to do for the rest of her life? These questions bugged me a lot. And being someone with no definite idea of what my calling is, my choices scared me a lot.

As I take on my last few terms in the University, that “future” is just a couple of months away. What I want to do with my life afterwards is again a matter of choice, a difficult decision, and a major leap of faith. I admire how my friends who have always dreamt of becoming lawyers and doctors are now heading towards law school and med school. I admire how some people do pursue what they really want in life. At times, it makes me think that if I also knew what I wanted, I could have made better choices. But then again, I have only vague ideas of what I really want to do in life. And that’s the thing, not everyone is privileged enough to find out what they really want early on.

Now, amidst all the uncertainties, in the end, life is a matter of choice. Every single day, we make choices, and whether or not we like the choices we have made, it defines us in one way or another. We make choices despite an uncertainty of what tomorrow may bring. And this is the daunting part of making choices; we risk a part of ourselves without really knowing what happens next. Yet however the case may be, making choices remains to be an integral and inseparable part of growing up and uncovering life. And although we may not know what the future brings or what our purpose in life really is, I think what matters most is that we can wake up everyday and tell ourselves that we choose to be happy, we choose to succeed, and we choose to be better.