This is not about my love life or lack thereof. Rather, this is the story behind my biggest insecurity: my faith.
All my life, I attended Catholic schools. My educational environment was conservative; I went to church every week with my parents, said grace before meals, and thanked the Almighty before going to bed. It was a routine I followed religiously not only because I was used to it, but also because my grades depended on it.
In the small school I attended in Cavite, I vividly remember getting scolded by one of the nuns, who was teaching us Christian Living Education (CLE), for not attending mass that week. We were required to have the priest sign a mass attendance sheet that comprised 30 percent of our final CLE grade. It was also one of the determinants of whether or not we would be receiving an academic merit card at the end of the school year. I was not able to attend mass that weekend because my parents—who usually accompanied me to church—were out of town. The nun made everyone who did not attend mass go to the front of the classroom and explain their reasons. Looking back, it seemed like we were on trial. When it was my turn to be addressed, the nun told me, “Para saan pa ‘yung pagiging honor student mo kung hindi ka naman nagsisimba? That’s unbecoming of a Catholic.” Her statement made me feel as though my other efforts to be a good Catholic were thrown out the window just because I missed one Sunday mass.
(What is the point of your being an honor student if you do not attend mass? That’s unbecoming of a Catholic.)
Unbecoming of a Catholic? I don’t think it works that way, I thought to myself. Fearing that I would not be in contention for an academic award that school year, I apologized and wrote “I promise to go to mass every Sunday” repeatedly on a crosswise pad instead. My other classmates—whose excuses ranged from not having enough money to commute to church to saying that there would be another mass the following week—were also scolded in class. While I understand now that perhaps the goal of this was for us to better understand why we needed to hear the Word of God, I believe my former CLE teacher could have better addressed this situation. There was no need for humiliation. Instead there should have been a more nurturing conversation appropriate for 11 year olds.
I started questioning my faith right before I graduated grade school. I started straying away from the Catholic Church because some of the teachings preached in the Sunday masses I attended did not sit well with me. Some of the interpreted teachings would come off as unprogressive. Homophobic slurs, racist expressions, and misogynistic statements were thrown out freely during homilies. I know of people and have witnessed people misuse Bible verses to fulfill their agenda. Are these becoming of a Catholic?
In high school, I would tell my friends that I am constantly searching for the meaning of my faith, my religion, and how my God wants me to see Him. I recognize that there is always “something” or Someone bigger than us. I did not fully understand it then—and perhaps I only have but a small understanding of it now—and I wanted answers.
I came to realize that maybe, instead of focusing on fully reconnecting with my religion, it’s okay to first rebuild my relationship with God. While the ultimate foundations of my faith stems from the religion I was baptized into, it’s okay to find meaning and connection by myself. It is hard for me to deny that a Higher Being exists. How can I be surrounded with good things and good people? How am I afforded of good experiences? There must be some explanation as to why my life is like this. At the same time, it is hard for me to fathom that a supreme being has a plan laid out for me. The concept of “God’s perfect timing” is not something I fully accept. I am conflicted between believing that our lives are dictated by the choices we make and believing that the Almighty has something waiting for us. It took me a while to realize that maybe the journey that will lead me to my answers will probably take the rest of my life. Studying in Catholic schools did not give me answers, but instead gave me more questions. I have yet to go to places, meet more people, and figure out new feelings. Perhaps there are some things that I can only fully understand once I had gone through enough before I could say, “Kaya pala.” I have learned that it’s okay to question these things, and to branch out when trying to figure out where I stand. It’s a personal journey; each of us with our own stories.
