“You’re smart, but you’re like a demon.”
I was just four when I first heard that. I had a small brawl with my ditsi, or second eldest sister. It was the kind of harmless fight that was normal between siblings, but somehow, it still warranted comparison to an evil being. Perhaps it was intended as a lesson, but those words lingered.
Growing up, discipline often meant shame, emotions were overreactions, and vulnerability equated to weakness. So, I turned to being quiet, timid, and shy, afraid that drawing too much attention to myself—especially to my mistakes—would only invite more criticism.
This, I’ve come to realize, is a shared experience among many children raised in households where “tough love” is seen as the ultimate form of care.
In many Asian cultures, tough love often reigns supreme. Confucian values in Chinese culture stress xiao, or filial piety, which often translates into immense pressure to succeed academically. Parental pride and self-worth are closely tied to their children’s achievements—a reputation that felt less like praise and more like an unrelenting standard. Falling short seemed unthinkable. It wouldn’t only be your failure, but also theirs.
Meanwhile, Filipino families are heavily influenced by utang na loob or debt of gratitude, emphasizing obedience to elders. Phrases like “That’s how I was raised” justify harsh words and even physical punishment, all under the guise of building resilience. This “tiger parenting” approach, a term popularized by Amy Chua, reflects the deep-seated cultural values that prioritize obedience, academic excellence, and the avoidance of hiya or shame in Filipino culture.
This emphasis on achievement and emotional restraint comes with significant consequences. While parents may believe that harsh discipline builds resilience, this approach can backfire, inadvertently instilling feelings of inadequacy and fear. Physical punishment can normalize violence and hinder emotional growth. Likewise, constant criticism and shaming teach children to suppress their authentic selves. Over time, this builds self-doubt and may potentially lead to long-term mental health struggles. Though some children grow into self-reliant individuals, many carry the weight of bitterness and emotional scars that shape their self-perception and relationships well into adulthood.
Some may argue that tiger parenting is often imposed with good intentions, as parents believe they are preparing their children for adversity. But a childhood built on fear does not foster true growth. When children are constantly controlled or punished for their mistakes, they may learn to avoid failure at all costs rather than develop the confidence to learn from it.
On the other hand, nurturing parenting styles, such as authoritative parenting, have been shown to foster healthier emotional development. Authoritative parents set firm boundaries and clear expectations while balancing these with warmth, empathy, and open communication. They encourage independence without withdrawing emotional support, ensuring children can confidently face life’s challenges.
When I was told I was an evil being, I felt the weight of every mistake and emotion as something to hide. But over time, I realized it wasn’t my emotions that were the problem—it was how I was taught to suppress them. This realization made me see how crucial it is to rethink the approach to parenting, one that integrates emotional well-being alongside discipline.
While parenting styles are often inherited, these harmful cycles do not have to continue. Beginning with self-awareness, parents should reflect on how their upbringing influences their behavior and make a conscious effort to let go of these harmful patterns. Investing in education and seeking professional guidance about emotional intelligence and effective communication can further empower parents and children alike to thrive in healthier relationships.
Reflecting on my childhood, as the child who excelled academically, I can see how much I internalized the pressure to be perfect and how it shaped my fear of failure. But today, I am no longer defined by the shame I once felt. I now understand that true resilience doesn’t come from hiding our mistakes but from embracing them as part of our growth.
By espousing empathy, understanding, and unconditional love, parents can help children build true resilience—resilience rooted not in fear or suppression, but in a foundation of confidence, self-awareness, and a profound sense of self-worth.
This article was published in The LaSallian‘s January 2025 issue. To read more, visit bit.ly/TLSJanuary2025.
