“I feel like I need to mask my condition.”
Nico*, who is diagnosed with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), understands this struggle well. When he socializes, he worries about being “too much” and losing focus during conversations. This is a running habit for people on the spectrum of neurodiversity, whose daily experiences require careful navigation due to varying brain functions and information-processing capacities. In a world primarily designed for neurotypical minds, the journey of neurodivergent individuals often oscillates between authenticity and adaptation.
As the month of love passes, it’s worth acknowledging that love itself exists on a widely colorful and diverse spectrum. The growing discourse on neurodivergence, which includes conditions like autism and ADHD, presents the great realization that the pillars of love and care do not always cave in to conventional standards.
Blooming in diversity
Affection has never been a one-size-fits-all experience. Yet, many often frame love through the lens and expectations of neurotypical minds, which function under a statistically typical range. Recognizing these multifaceted expressions isn’t just a matter of understanding, but also an act of love in and of itself.
Nico’s experience is not uncommon. Eli Atienza (II, AB-POM), who himself is diagnosed with ADHD and has a younger brother with autism, shares that he goes the extra mile to conform to neurotypical social norms. “I don’t want to damage my connection [with] people,” he admits, leading to feelings of inadequacy.
Nico adds, “A lot of the stuff that’s a result of my neurodivergence is considered embarrassing,” such as his hyperfixations, missed social cues, and difficulty maintaining eye contact. These behavioral traits have prompted him to ask, “Why am I kind of different from everybody else?” At times, these internalized dilemmas on what is considered “normal” can deter neurodivergent people from forming authentic connections, leading them to question whether it’s best to be their genuine selves or to masquerade for the sake of conformity.
Social isolation can be an unintended consequence of neurodivergence, even among those who share similar experiences. As Atienza points out, “It’s hard to find a community where there are people like me and my brother. It’s [also] hard for us to connect with those who are also neurodivergent.” While some may relate to the struggle, the neurodivergent experience manifests differently for every individual, which adds a layer of difficulty to finding that sense of belongingness among peer groups.
When reason takes root
Though their home may not mirror that of neurotypical families, Atienza sees their familial love as something that blooms through patience and time. “The more time we spend with him (younger brother), the more we get to really know him,” he imparts, explaining how love is not only restricted to accommodating care, but also manifests in understanding, adapting, and embracing how their neurodivergent loved ones experience the world.
However, not every family is equipped with the knowledge or willingness to foster this kind of understanding. Nics* (IV, AB-PSM) witnesses this struggle firsthand through her three-year-old niece, who is showing signs of neurodivergence. “She’s well-loved by her parents, but since they don’t have the [same] knowledge that I have or the understanding of neurodiversity…[to] extend their patience.”
Despite her calls for her niece to be assessed, Nics’ concerns have been consistently dismissed. When even immediate family members struggle to comprehend their daughter’s condition, Nics finds herself tasked with explaining how neurodivergence isn’t a matter of disobedience or defiance, but rather a fundamental marker of how her niece’s brain is innately wired. Conveying an intrinsic yet contemporary concept is no easy task, however, especially for people who have never had to question the way they think and perceive.
“I also feel like it’s my responsibility to advocate for this child, whether she’s my niece or not,” she shares in Filipino. Even at a young age, her niece’s needs are evident. Yet instead of receiving support, she faces complaints, ridicule, and dismissive remarks from her own family. Despite continuous rejection, Nics persists—not because of her undergraduate course nor their familial bond—but because she refuses to let a child be discriminated against for something that she was born with.
A love that sprouts from within
At the heart of any meaningful relationship is communication that transcends spoken words and uttered thoughts. This is especially true for neurodivergent individuals and their loved ones. Atienza shares that his brother struggles with verbal communication, so he has learned to pick up on his gestures and moods. While this requires additional effort and patience, love in neurodivergent relationships is not about forcing conformity to neurotypical molds, but instead embracing their different ways of expressing and receiving affection.
This understanding comes with the recognition that neurodivergence doesn’t offer a singular experience. From Atienza’s struggles with socialization, which led to internalized social isolation, to Nico’s hyperfixation affecting his self-perception, each individual faces unique challenges. “There’s no cookie-cutter way to help or accommodate someone who’s neurodivergent,” Nico states. He underscores the importance of acknowledging the diverse experiences of neurodivergent individuals rather than confining them to false stereotypes, which may hinder them from forming genuine connections.
Ultimately, love is about constructing a warm and welcoming space for people to exist as they are, void of judgment or the pressures to conform. To honor their distinct ways of thinking and being is to foster an environment where neurodivergent individuals feel seen and supported. By practicing empathy, nurturing understanding, and embracing neurodivergent perspectives, relationships are strengthened and we step further toward a world where everyone—regardless of how they experience life—is valued and accepted.
*Names with asterisks (*) are pseudonyms.
