Ghosts are no longer just wispy shapes in our peripheral vision. Ghosts don’t stay behind the creaking doors and dilapidated footsteps anymore as the clock ticks. Ghosts are now living persons hiding behind messages left on “seen”, questions left unanswered, and issues left undiscussed.
Both, though, leave behind the same ripples of distress and curiosity—haunting during wee hours of the night.
In popular culture, “ghosts” are now closely associated with people who cut off contact or relationships without any forewarning or explanation. While this manner of ending a relationship or dodging one has likely been around for a while, it has been given more attention as the term “ghosting” was introduced in this age of social media.
This particular act can be understood as a form of relationship dissolution that can be gradual or abrupt; what separates it from the typical breakup is that ghosting offers no explanation—or even any sort of communication. The reasons are varied and oftentimes a mystery to the person left behind.
A modern breakup strategy
In an ultramodern and fast-paced generation, connections can be formed in a matter of clicks. As relationships become technology-mediated, it is as easy to get into relationships as it is to get out.
Ghosting, as said by several studies, is observed to be thriving on this inclination. It uses an impersonal vehicle that can be put down with little to no effort and direct contact. Homer Yabut, a registered psychologist and an associate professor of the Psychology Department in De La Salle University, pointed out that this is also one of the primal reasons why this phenomenon is called into attention in the 21st century. It is easier to cut off contact when the relationship itself is dependent on communication relayed through technology; there is a lesser sense of obligation due to lack of personal contact.
Unlike the typical acts of relationship breakup, ghosting is muted and passive. It usually has no words, explanations, and grand actions—just disappearance that often leaves the other person feeling confused as to why it happened and how it came into being. As admitted by the people we interviewed, ghosting is as disheartening as the conventional breakup—maybe even worse. Using the interviewees’ own terms, being ghosted leaves you “feeling invalidated and insecure”, it seems as if you are “not worthy of a proper explanation, or a decent farewell at the very least”. This can be destructive.
So as unfinished conversations are left draping, and bonds that were once strong have now splintered, one can indeed become stupefied by the situation itself. Instead of the person you’ve been dreading to hear answers from, it is questions that come knocking at your door.
Psychological theories behind ghosting
Darren Dumaop, also an associate professor in the Psychology department, discussed these possible theories. He stated that the intentions of ghosting can be tied well with Machiavellianism and psychopathy. “Machiavellianism is that personality trait that you are more willing to manipulate others, which [is] also related to psychopathy—a trait where one feels less remorse on the things that he or she does,” he explained. While it is not always the case, these ideas show that when one is a frequent ghoster, personality traits like manipulation and psychopathy are possibilities.
It can be said that the lack of empathy or the ability to understand or share the feelings of another evidently contributes to this disillusioning enigma. Yabut mentioned that a trait such as this manifests commonly among narcissists. “They don’t really care about whatever possible pain the other party would experience,” he stated. He also cleared up that it isn’t something that the person who ghosted would look back into nor be rueful about.
Ghosting tendencies can also be drawn from people’s long-standing belief in destiny. As touched upon by Yabut, people who believe that there is that one person destined to be their partner for a lifetime can easily reject anyone else whom they believe isn’t meant for them. The moment these people have a hunch that the other person does not have the qualities, the connection, or the bond they are looking for, they tend to cross the other person out straight away. Feelings of guilt are overshadowed by the call of destiny—it is what was bound to happen anyway.
An apparition of frustration
Gone are the times where closure mattered and, although it is a saddening occurrence, it has become part of the spectrum of reality. “People’s trust become distrust. People might not enter relationships. Human connections are gradually becoming shallower,” Yabut explained. This cycle may appear harmless to others who see it as a part of the ever-fluctuating norm. However, Yabut mentioned that this phenomenon begets other issues such as sexual encounters outweighing actual encounters. “Nowadays, people will feel lonelier,” he added, affirming the frustration that this occurrence bears.
He further explained that it is important for one to know thyself in order to understand why one decides to do what he or she decides on doing. “It’s not necessarily directed to ghosting but for instance, why are you meeting this person?” he prodded. Before knitting relationships, getting to know the person is most fundamental. Seeing through the person is one way of knowing whether the leap for a relationship is worthy enough to take. And perhaps for the times where it really doesn’t work out, maybe seeking closure is the better thing to do—for everyone’s sake.
